Wearing a Smile

December something was telling me inside that a great miracle is about to happen to me, the only miracle I am waiting for now is my baby. After 5 years of marriage life, together and not together moments, I am waiting for a life to call me mommy. I started feeling weak as if I am totally exhausted physically and mentally. I was not able to eat properly. 'Should I check for the miracle, nope I was having infections, I am this weak how that will happen', I said to myself. I did everything as usual, the fast and body straining works. Mom said my face was glittering. 'Yeah it was sunlight', I said to myself. Others said my face looks very tired. Yeah I already felt exhausted.

When I was about to travel somewhere after a pretty good time, I checked and saw the miracle happened already. Really. There were two lines on my strip. I am pregnant!! Seriously. I couldn't believe my eyes. But to my wonder it didn't bring me happiness either. 'What kind of emotion is this?', I asked myself, 'may be 5 years had took the toll on my ability to enjoy my happiness'. Doc said I shouldn't do certain things which I was already doing thinking about the emptiness in full 5 years. I started behaving carefully. I reduced my speed which was really hard for me. I stopped driving two wheeler. But still I couldn't believe that I am pregnant. And I started thinking of all the good things as I am supposed to, I started making plans. I started searching names from all the places I could. After a couple of days my scan report showed no heartbeat. Fetus was 6 weeks and 4 days old. Which also means I am a mommy for 6 weeks and 4 days. But what does that mean no heartbeat? I was broken. I was full of questions which google tried to console me. Everybody was sounding positive. I tried to stay positive but inside of me something was feeling not right. I tried to implement 'secret' theory here I stayed positive I talked and behaved like that. Doc said she would scan after two weeks again. I couldn't wait for that two weeks to come. Having a job is a good thing and a bad thing together. It gave me less time to think about that and it also didn't helped me in eating and sleeping whatever I want and whenever I want. After two weeks the scan report said baby's heartbeat is stopped at 6 weeks and 4 days. Which also means my baby is died inside me, which sounded very harsh on my heart. I couldn't take the word miscarriage. My baby lived for 6 weeks within me, it was growing, it was having heartbeat and it stopped for some reason which could be me. I went to google again, to confirm my guilt. But whatever it is I could have saved it if I have found it a little earlier. I could have had my first baby which I would have delivered on and around my birthday. The delivery date came around by birthday which was also my first pet's death date. I had a seven sister bird from a very tiny baby its eyes were closed and it grew up to be so loving.. I definitely could not explain how much love it showered upon me when I was all alone. I lost it around my birthday. I was depressed on that loss for some days when my dad joined me to tailoring class which was my interest during my childhood to bring me back to life. I asked God my baby pet again in my tummy as my baby. I thought I got it. When my mom said my face was glittering I should've checked may be I would've found my baby's life at 3 weeks. You know, I don't believe in words are acts that could bring curse in people's life. The biggest curse ever is a feeling of guilt and regret you get from your own acts.

I never knew smile will become an accessory that you can wear whenever you want. I am crying inside my heart. I wore a smile when I disclosed this because my family would worry more for my worry than what happened. I am grown up to a level that I don't need someone to share my worries I don't want to cry on a shoulder and bring burden to their heart as well. Let it all go with me, within me. I am wearing a smile which my heart doesn't know about. Its like kajal or lipstick, you wear and others see it.

Confessions - The little devil in me

Mornings will always be on the fly routine for all women esp for working women. After all that running out and waiting for the elevator is one of the most annoying moment. And on that moment if you find your elevator is kept on hold by someone because they can't get inside and if they leave they have to wait a little more, its even more irritating. I always find my 5th floor guy who obviously will have less work than a woman, will keep the elevator  on hold until he does something inside his house. I am right one floor down. I always feel that if you are not ready for the elevator, then the elevator is not yours. I have been irritated like this 2 times before. 3rd time the little devil in me got on, I ran down the floor because I was also late and pressed all floors button because I wanted to teach him something, then I took my vehicle and left for office. I wanted to wait till he reaches down and look at him but I was already late. That was the last time my elevator was on hold. May be sometimes people understand things only when someone turn bad at them. I still regret the thing I did, really I do regret, but also the other half of me is a protester who wanted to make people understand that some people may have real emergency, ofcourse mine is not an emergency, but some may have medical emergency. Any tiny disturbance we cause may affect someone's life so badly and I wanted him not to do that with anybody else again.

I am an Anti-Everything

I have different tastes, thoughts, concerns even decisions? yes I don't go with the world. And I have never felt bad about that expect for the likes I don't get on facebook because many will not agree to it.. ha ha.. It can also be understood like I have grown up with experiences which makes me think so. And now I think spending 978 crore for a satellite for a research purpose which solves no purpose. That's true. You eat then you clothe then you create a shelter then you decorate it. Its like straightaway doing the decors. Doesn't sound priority to me. I am not against any scientific development but there are a lot of people who starve and thirst in our country. I have seen worst lives.

Today while riding back to my home, waiting in a trafficked signal,  I saw an old man in dirty clothes torn here and there with a plastic baggage beside him was sitting on a stone staring on the ground. I saw something in those eyes, which I cannot explain. Something like when you are a kid and watch pastries through the display of a bakery yearning to eat but no penny even for food, like sitting in a park watching kids playing with their mom but you have none and you couldn't play neither enjoy their playing.. kind of look... which I couldn't forget. What this Chandrayaan2 will mean to him in his life? Will it give him his next meal? Or will it give the love he needed? Or will it be his company till he lives? What is the purpose of Chandrayaan2? I really don't understand.

The Generation Before & After

Its a saturday evening, after work I was riding home saw a 45 years old man in an old cycle which has a broken seat. Its really hard to understand how he manages to sit in that broken seat and peddle for a long distance. How will he feel when he reaches home? How much ache his back will give him?

I remembered a conversation with colleagues when we were in juice shop, we discussed about how our parents were sacrificing so many things for themselves to get us what we need. My mom was a teacher and I remember her searching for a handbag for a very low price after the handbag which she currently uses torn apart that she can use it no more. But now we have too many matching for our dresses. As she was a teacher she would be needing too many sarees, but I never remember her purchasing something for herself. My dad never bought shirts, he cuts the torn collar to make it look decent and wears it. He never changed his worn-out slipper until it really tears apart. Now we are in a comfortable situation and we can satisfy our luxuries as well as our kids was what we are talking. Its true that we have never felt the feeling of sacrificing something for ourselves so we can give that to our children. Then the discussion was concluded because now we are paid surplus and more than one member earns in family which was not the case earlier. But when I saw this man's broken cycle seat, I realized we are not required to sacrifice something to feed our children is because our parents sacrificed theirs and made us stand in the position of being financially comfortable. Still there are so many families, fathers and mothers even children sacrifice something for themselves. It didn't end in the last generation, we feel like its ended because we are now comfortable. Thank you to all the fathers and mothers for all the things you have sacrificed for making us. We owe you everything and it feels bad to understand that when you were young and wanting to have something but didn't have, we can give you back what you have wished for but we can never give the same moment at that age and the happiness you deserved.

I have an enemy in office

I have this particular enemy in office who doesn't want to work and love bucketing superiors to escape and be in safe zone without doing work survived 34 years taking 75 thousand salary per month that could feed 3 families where they literally die working to make a living.  I am so angry at this which I can't stand. I don't talk to her, I don't mind her but whenever I see somebody doing her job I get so so furious. And when I said the prayer 'forgive me as I forgive those who wrong me' I stopped, I realised I didn't do this and I am not able to.

Living Vs Surviving

In office when our workload is less we used to do everything with concentration the observation will be enormous but when we are overloaded we tend to finish this off like grazing the grass. It's the same in living a life. Now I have more work and things to do, so I am grazing failing to observe which is why scribbling something in my blog now become a rare thing. Maybe this a phase where I find no time and there comes a time when I retire and I may search for a zone to talk to someone as all elders feel now. As I am in the customer service job, I meet so many elders eager to speak to me, but do to the next one waiting for me, I tend to avoid conversation which I should not be doing in customer service. So in the family. After growing old and experiencing things I found, "Happy and blessed is the man who finds a job which his soul likes and is near his house". It is not important to earn more, but it is important to stay near the family and do what you like.

The Difference Between Men and Women

Understanding about a particular subject changes with time and it changes much more in a woman's life. I am no exception. During my early days, I used to think men and women have no difference and even I have thought that men are better as I love my dad, he spends more time with me than mom and the way he lives, loves always captured me. Later I grew up to be a woman myself.

On a week off lazy tired Saturday, I woke up late as if I have satisfied all the sleep deprivation accumulated on that week. My husband next to me said he is hungry. Well, me too but to whom I will say. I got up made some tea, by the time I felt getting weak I realized I didn't even take water since I woke up. I was drinking water he was brushing. Gave him some tea and made the breakfast ready by the time he finished his morning call, my tea went cold. One of my favorite thing to do in the morning is dipping a biscuit and drinking the tea. That happens only in weekend and only when the tea is hot. Sipping the cold tea I realized that this is the difference between men and women. My mom has loved me in a way which is painful for her and never showed up. Understanding women are difficult and experiencing her love is life and living under her care is a blessing.!!