The Struggle to Reach a Beautiful Tiny Soul

        Just like everybody else, I love babies and wanted to have immediately after my marriage, which for some reason didn't happen until last year. Six long years of longing to hold my baby to my chest and pour my love was out of reach for me. When it happened, it was not what I envisioned.

        I never realized I was pregnant and sometimes I forget that's how the pregnancy journey was for me. Very very smooth. Thanks to Jesus. Everything was fine till 3rd month. I dropped most of my physical activity when pregnancy sustained 3rd month because when I got pregnant last time, within a month before I could realize I'm pregnant, I drained me out physically in all way I shouldn't and it ended up in missed abortion. During my 5th month scan. I was told baby is not getting enough nutrition and blood from me hence baby is underweight. I was put to bed rest, asked to take protein rich diet. This sustained till 31 weeks when my doctor found the resistance has increased and the blood is redistributed for the important parts. This can sustain like this till 40 weeks or it can turn worse. My baby from now on will get even less blood and nutrition and can turn weak when I deliver. But till 31 weeks he was very active and a very good sleeper inside womb. On 31st week we decided to take out the baby, as we wanted him safe and healthy but most importantly we wanted him. I was admitted a day before and was administered steroids for the emergency delivery. His struggle might have started there, he kept moving restlessly. The next day morning I was taken to the operation theatre, I was on a mixed confusion right from start whether the decision was right or wrong. What if he is good all along and I can go through a normal delivery as everything went normal except his weight and this doppler changes, he was in cephalic position during my 28th week or what if it goes wrong in a night when I was in deep sleep. No chance I can give to risk my baby's life but this decision will make him go through a lot of things.

    

        My husband looked at me very worriedly about me but mine was about my baby. I smiled at him and said I'll be fine. Inside the theatre I was made to sit in a table. I looked around to see the table beside me with some machines and trays, a nurse who counts the number of scissors and things for cutting me, a nurse who held my hand to tie the bp band to monitor me, the board infront of me filled with my name the type of operation the date time and baby gender so on, then the big bright light over my head, it felt like I was already in heaven. Suddenly I noticed the band in my hand was opened up, the nurse asked me if I was nervous?. I said yes. She said not to worry and tied it again, again it got opened up and she brought another and it also got opened up, she held my hand with the band. I was asked by the anesthetics doctor whether I have already taken it before or went for a surgery, I said no. I was administered epidural and was told I will be totally numb on my bottom by the time they clean up the area. I felt some tingling sensation on my abdomen when they wiped me with the solution, I was covered up that I cannot see my baby when he would come out and then I couldn't feel a thing. I always wanted to go naturally on a delivery as God created it, go through pain, have my husband, let my baby crawl out and come to me for milk. I was cut open, and everybody was pushing my tummy so my baby can come out. Then I heard my doctor saying so tiny baby, that blew a hit on me. Then a doctor said its a boy. I couldn't be happy, I said ok doctor and wanting to know whether he is fine. He gave a small cry. I was overwhelmed by the beautiful sound of his voice. Then I remembered seeing there to catch the glimpse of my baby but I passed out. After sometime I looked and noticed the important phase has passed and noticed across the room, two doctors turned back on me was doing something very important and faster on the table. After sometime I realized may be they have my baby and continuously looked at him but I was semi conscious. After sometime one of the doctor asked me, 'do you want to see your baby?'. I nodded my head in utmost desire, half consciousness and a blurred vision. He showed me a small beautiful doll from a distance. He was covered fully in green cloth and only his face was visible, looked very peaceful with his eyes closed. I could realized the meaning of serenity. I could only get him with my blurry eyes. I said ok doctor so to take him to NICU as he should be immediately on safety measures. My doctor while going said baby is fine as of now and he will be monitored in NICU, the sad reality my baby and me should face. This is not how I envisioned the delivery of my baby. Post operation I was taken to a monitoring room. I started shivering uncontrollably that the saline bottle connected with me would fall on my head and looked around to find a nurse, I saw someone sitting in front of me and called out to her. She didn't responded. I was shocked that she didn't mind me at all, I called her looking at her, 'sister sister'. She didn't mind me. I stopped calling and later one nurse walked in. I called again she came near me and saw me shivering very badly covered me on a heating blanket and said you will be fine. I said ok and she left and I saw the lady in front of me and realized she was another patient in blue dress ready for operation. The shivering didn't go anyway and the nurse came back to check on me and asked me if I was feeling better, I said no. She went and came back after a while and said your doctor suggested an injection after which you would feel better. I said okay and she injected me, immediately within seconds I stopped shivering. I was there lying down alone after the delivery without my baby, my husband alone in the waiting room, my baby without even seeing whom he belonged to lying in the incubator. I heard two other mothers happily cuddling and talking with their babies in the room. I cried and thought that even though I was blessed with a baby after a long wait I was into a situation that I cannot enjoy it, what a curse it was. I was torn apart not only in my body but in my heart too.

        I wanted to be shifted to room soon as I felt bad hearing them but I thought that they would want to go soon as they will be yearning to show their bundle of joy to their families. I patiently waited until two of them got shifted though I was the first one to be shifted. A nurse came by and said, 'send Mercy next she should have been shifted already her husband is waiting, shift her'. She smiled and asked me,'are you okay'. I said, 'yes sister'. She said, 'your husband asked how you are and waiting in the room'. I smiled and thanked her for shifting me. I went to my room, the blue cradle was already removed. I have dreamt of having my baby on the cradle beside me. But I ended up all alone. I felt bad greeting my husband empty handed. He didn't show his pain but was comforting me. I was having a catheter and not be out of bed on that day. Next day I was allowed to go down to meet my baby.

         I went down to 1st floor, NICU Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, its a place where you see miracles grow and babies fight to live. There is sadness and grief but there is also hope. There are so many wires and tubes, heavy machines, constant beeping noises and a lot of tears. I cried seeing my tiny baby inside the incubator with a diaper bigger than him, two legs and one arm punctured for tubes to carry medicines, a tube in his belly button for nutrition, one sensor sticked on him for temperature check, one tube inside his mouth which goes till his stomach for milk cellotaped near his lips with cpap tube on his nose for oxygen cellotaped almost his face which his tiny finger was pulling out as he was feeling uncomfortable with it made me cry, his eyes covered with an eye mask and kept under a blue light as he had jaundice. Nobody starts a pregnancy journey thinking they will end up seeing their baby like this but it was my reality. In utmost pain and hopelessness that my baby is going through so much pain which that tiny soul did not deserve, I came out of the room. A nurse walked towards us and talked to us. She spoke exactly how I felt inside seeing my baby and said, 'now you have to be strong and positive, what you feel your baby feels, don't stand beside him with a bit of negativity, he will be affected by it, your thoughts will bring him up or turn him down. Be positive and happy'. The word that I can affect him turned me on. I decided it should be in a positive way. I was not milking and another nurse said me, 'you don't worry of the baby, we will take good care of the baby, if you worry not even a bit of milk you can make, baby is fine, you be fine'. Next time when I was about to go inside I decided to be strong and positive to see my baby as he was all good. I was pumping in the pumping room for my baby and nothing came out. Every 2 hours I tried expressing in all ways I can and end up with only pain. The doctor wanted to go for donor's milk as I couldn't milk and I also decided to go because I don't want him to be hungry, I thought even I couldn't get my son the milk he deserved. The guilt build was more heavy to carry and I cried and asked God why everything is negative. My husband was enforcing positivity all through my doubts and kept my faith strong. The lactation consultant came and helped me express a good amount of milk that my baby would be satisfied with. I was very happy that I could give my milk to my son. Next day I hugged and sat with him skin to skin. I talked to him, showered my love, prayed for him, sang for him and I started soaking up in milk. Then starts the NICU journey, everyday at 10.30 am we sit there in the NICU parent's lounge for a talk with the doctor about baby's weight and growth and health issues. Everyday it will be scary and anxious to know how the baby is doing. Somedays good news somedays bad news and then we meet the baby putting everything aside and pray for him with full faith and positivity.

        I will sit with the baby skin to skin for long hours, the only pain I felt was my tiny miracle is suffering more than he could take. I break to get my milk expressed. Those NICU machine beep sounds, the pumping machines rhythm, the NICU door squeak sounds, the smell of the sanitizer can never be forgotten. I sit with a mask all time and when my baby turns his head looking at me, I would say God why the situation is like he could not see his mother. Its a mix of pain and hope. The painful journey ended with helps from everyone I met in the journey. I learned a different aspect of life there. I have always thought babies lives are easy, not for all. Some babies fight through pain, suffers in silence, sleeps alone, cries in pain, bleeds, not been with mothers when they needed the most and some stops beating and comes back. They are called miracles and I got a 10 month old miracle at home sleeping peacefully while I recall the journey of him. My baby, you have already gone through a lot. May God be with you and bless you with health, happiness, long life and all blessings to be upon you from now on throughout your life. My little king, I love you to the moon and back.