I still couldn't believe

She was a genuine person. A humble, humours and lovely soul. She was not only my sister in law but also my best friend and a care taker. She never spends/takes anything for her. She wore simple clothes and led a simple life. She never said what she liked but sacrificed her life for her family. I still couldn't believe what has happened. I saw her after months, on an ICU bed with beep sounds, lying down without life. I have never seen/ dreamt of seeing her like that. She was the only healthy person in our family. This wasn't expected at all. I couldn't believe that she is lying down without her life. I held her hand tried to woke her up. Her hands were cold and her finger nails turned blue. Her left hand and legs were swelled up big. They said they revived her once. She was having the beleif that she would come back. But why? Nothing ever prayed went in vain. Why this? Where was the mistake? Why at this age? Why now? Why her? Why like this? Why God why?

It's like you were holding a handful of sand and suddenly it slips away between your fingers. No matter how hard you try to grip it without losing it, it slips away. No matter how bad you cry on road, no matter how hard you prayed in your room, no matter how much you were ready to give up in return, it slips away till you are left with none. Like a wave that was touching you in the shore and goes back inside and never returned, she left and never returned.

Even very small prayers were answered and why not this one? We have never thought bad for others. What was our sin that we should suffer, that she suffered for which she doesn't deserve? When I touched her foot and saw hard skins and corn underneath, I felt bad that we were so selfish that we didn't even cared to see her foot when she was alive and got her good slippers. Was this all our mistake that we failed to take care of her that God got angry and took His daughter back. I asked for forgiveness that I will personally take good, really good care of her, to give her back as another chance. But...the answer was no.. Is that so that we can change nothing in life by praying? Or Is that so that we cannot interfere what God has planned? I am lost and I seem drifting away in faith and hope. But Lord I couldn't doubt you because I didn't understand this, for you are our Father and you have your daughter on your lap now. This is the only consolation I have.

Wearing a Smile

December something was telling me inside that a great miracle is about to happen to me, the only miracle I am waiting for now is my baby. After 5 years of marriage life, together and not together moments, I am waiting for a life to call me mommy. I started feeling weak as if I am totally exhausted physically and mentally. I was not able to eat properly. 'Should I check for the miracle, nope I was having infections, I am this weak how that will happen', I said to myself. I did everything as usual, the fast and body straining works. Mom said my face was glittering. 'Yeah it was sunlight', I said to myself. Others said my face looks very tired. Yeah I already felt exhausted.

When I was about to travel somewhere after a pretty good time, I checked and saw the miracle happened already. Really. There were two lines on my strip. I am pregnant!! Seriously. I couldn't believe my eyes. But to my wonder it didn't bring me happiness either. 'What kind of emotion is this?', I asked myself, 'may be 5 years had took the toll on my ability to enjoy my happiness'. Doc said I shouldn't do certain things which I was already doing thinking about the emptiness in full 5 years. I started behaving carefully. I reduced my speed which was really hard for me. I stopped driving two wheeler. But still I couldn't believe that I am pregnant. And I started thinking of all the good things as I am supposed to, I started making plans. I started searching names from all the places I could. After a couple of days my scan report showed no heartbeat. Fetus was 6 weeks and 4 days old. Which also means I am a mommy for 6 weeks and 4 days. But what does that mean no heartbeat? I was broken. I was full of questions which google tried to console me. Everybody was sounding positive. I tried to stay positive but inside of me something was feeling not right. I tried to implement 'secret' theory here I stayed positive I talked and behaved like that. Doc said she would scan after two weeks again. I couldn't wait for that two weeks to come. Having a job is a good thing and a bad thing together. It gave me less time to think about that and it also didn't helped me in eating and sleeping whatever I want and whenever I want. After two weeks the scan report said baby's heartbeat is stopped at 6 weeks and 4 days. Which also means my baby is died inside me, which sounded very harsh on my heart. I couldn't take the word miscarriage. My baby lived for 6 weeks within me, it was growing, it was having heartbeat and it stopped for some reason which could be me. I went to google again, to confirm my guilt. But whatever it is I could have saved it if I have found it a little earlier. I could have had my first baby which I would have delivered on and around my birthday. The delivery date came around by birthday which was also my first pet's death date. I had a seven sister bird from a very tiny baby its eyes were closed and it grew up to be so loving.. I definitely could not explain how much love it showered upon me when I was all alone. I lost it around my birthday. I was depressed on that loss for some days when my dad joined me to tailoring class which was my interest during my childhood to bring me back to life. I asked God my baby pet again in my tummy as my baby. I thought I got it. When my mom said my face was glittering I should've checked may be I would've found my baby's life at 3 weeks. You know, I don't believe in words are acts that could bring curse in people's life. The biggest curse ever is a feeling of guilt and regret you get from your own acts.

I never knew smile will become an accessory that you can wear whenever you want. I am crying inside my heart. I wore a smile when I disclosed this because my family would worry more for my worry than what happened. I am grown up to a level that I don't need someone to share my worries I don't want to cry on a shoulder and bring burden to their heart as well. Let it all go with me, within me. I am wearing a smile which my heart doesn't know about. Its like kajal or lipstick, you wear and others see it.

Confessions - The little devil in me

Mornings will always be on the fly routine for all women esp for working women. After all that running out and waiting for the elevator is one of the most annoying moment. And on that moment if you find your elevator is kept on hold by someone because they can't get inside and if they leave they have to wait a little more, its even more irritating. I always find my 5th floor guy who obviously will have less work than a woman, will keep the elevator  on hold until he does something inside his house. I am right one floor down. I always feel that if you are not ready for the elevator, then the elevator is not yours. I have been irritated like this 2 times before. 3rd time the little devil in me got on, I ran down the floor because I was also late and pressed all floors button because I wanted to teach him something, then I took my vehicle and left for office. I wanted to wait till he reaches down and look at him but I was already late. That was the last time my elevator was on hold. May be sometimes people understand things only when someone turn bad at them. I still regret the thing I did, really I do regret, but also the other half of me is a protester who wanted to make people understand that some people may have real emergency, ofcourse mine is not an emergency, but some may have medical emergency. Any tiny disturbance we cause may affect someone's life so badly and I wanted him not to do that with anybody else again.