December something was telling me inside that a great miracle is about to happen to me, the only miracle I am waiting for now is my baby. After 5 years of marriage life, together and not together moments, I am waiting for a life to call me mommy. I started feeling weak as if I am totally exhausted physically and mentally. I was not able to eat properly. 'Should I check for the miracle, nope I was having infections, I am this weak how that will happen', I said to myself. I did everything as usual, the fast and body straining works. Mom said my face was glittering. 'Yeah it was sunlight', I said to myself. Others said my face looks very tired. Yeah I already felt exhausted.
When I was about to travel somewhere after a pretty good time, I checked and saw the miracle happened already. Really. There were two lines on my strip. I am pregnant!! Seriously. I couldn't believe my eyes. But to my wonder it didn't bring me happiness either. 'What kind of emotion is this?', I asked myself, 'may be 5 years had took the toll on my ability to enjoy my happiness'. Doc said I shouldn't do certain things which I was already doing thinking about the emptiness in full 5 years. I started behaving carefully. I reduced my speed which was really hard for me. I stopped driving two wheeler. But still I couldn't believe that I am pregnant. And I started thinking of all the good things as I am supposed to, I started making plans. I started searching names from all the places I could. After a couple of days my scan report showed no heartbeat. Fetus was 6 weeks and 4 days old. Which also means I am a mommy for 6 weeks and 4 days. But what does that mean no heartbeat? I was broken. I was full of questions which google tried to console me. Everybody was sounding positive. I tried to stay positive but inside of me something was feeling not right. I tried to implement 'secret' theory here I stayed positive I talked and behaved like that. Doc said she would scan after two weeks again. I couldn't wait for that two weeks to come. Having a job is a good thing and a bad thing together. It gave me less time to think about that and it also didn't helped me in eating and sleeping whatever I want and whenever I want. After two weeks the scan report said baby's heartbeat is stopped at 6 weeks and 4 days. Which also means my baby is died inside me, which sounded very harsh on my heart. I couldn't take the word miscarriage. My baby lived for 6 weeks within me, it was growing, it was having heartbeat and it stopped for some reason which could be me. I went to google again, to confirm my guilt. But whatever it is I could have saved it if I have found it a little earlier. I could have had my first baby which I would have delivered on and around my birthday. The delivery date came around by birthday which was also my first pet's death date. I had a seven sister bird from a very tiny baby its eyes were closed and it grew up to be so loving.. I definitely could not explain how much love it showered upon me when I was all alone. I lost it around my birthday. I was depressed on that loss for some days when my dad joined me to tailoring class which was my interest during my childhood to bring me back to life. I asked God my baby pet again in my tummy as my baby. I thought I got it. When my mom said my face was glittering I should've checked may be I would've found my baby's life at 3 weeks. You know, I don't believe in words are acts that could bring curse in people's life. The biggest curse ever is a feeling of guilt and regret you get from your own acts.
I never knew smile will become an accessory that you can wear whenever you want. I am crying inside my heart. I wore a smile when I disclosed this because my family would worry more for my worry than what happened. I am grown up to a level that I don't need someone to share my worries I don't want to cry on a shoulder and bring burden to their heart as well. Let it all go with me, within me. I am wearing a smile which my heart doesn't know about. Its like kajal or lipstick, you wear and others see it.
When I was about to travel somewhere after a pretty good time, I checked and saw the miracle happened already. Really. There were two lines on my strip. I am pregnant!! Seriously. I couldn't believe my eyes. But to my wonder it didn't bring me happiness either. 'What kind of emotion is this?', I asked myself, 'may be 5 years had took the toll on my ability to enjoy my happiness'. Doc said I shouldn't do certain things which I was already doing thinking about the emptiness in full 5 years. I started behaving carefully. I reduced my speed which was really hard for me. I stopped driving two wheeler. But still I couldn't believe that I am pregnant. And I started thinking of all the good things as I am supposed to, I started making plans. I started searching names from all the places I could. After a couple of days my scan report showed no heartbeat. Fetus was 6 weeks and 4 days old. Which also means I am a mommy for 6 weeks and 4 days. But what does that mean no heartbeat? I was broken. I was full of questions which google tried to console me. Everybody was sounding positive. I tried to stay positive but inside of me something was feeling not right. I tried to implement 'secret' theory here I stayed positive I talked and behaved like that. Doc said she would scan after two weeks again. I couldn't wait for that two weeks to come. Having a job is a good thing and a bad thing together. It gave me less time to think about that and it also didn't helped me in eating and sleeping whatever I want and whenever I want. After two weeks the scan report said baby's heartbeat is stopped at 6 weeks and 4 days. Which also means my baby is died inside me, which sounded very harsh on my heart. I couldn't take the word miscarriage. My baby lived for 6 weeks within me, it was growing, it was having heartbeat and it stopped for some reason which could be me. I went to google again, to confirm my guilt. But whatever it is I could have saved it if I have found it a little earlier. I could have had my first baby which I would have delivered on and around my birthday. The delivery date came around by birthday which was also my first pet's death date. I had a seven sister bird from a very tiny baby its eyes were closed and it grew up to be so loving.. I definitely could not explain how much love it showered upon me when I was all alone. I lost it around my birthday. I was depressed on that loss for some days when my dad joined me to tailoring class which was my interest during my childhood to bring me back to life. I asked God my baby pet again in my tummy as my baby. I thought I got it. When my mom said my face was glittering I should've checked may be I would've found my baby's life at 3 weeks. You know, I don't believe in words are acts that could bring curse in people's life. The biggest curse ever is a feeling of guilt and regret you get from your own acts.
I never knew smile will become an accessory that you can wear whenever you want. I am crying inside my heart. I wore a smile when I disclosed this because my family would worry more for my worry than what happened. I am grown up to a level that I don't need someone to share my worries I don't want to cry on a shoulder and bring burden to their heart as well. Let it all go with me, within me. I am wearing a smile which my heart doesn't know about. Its like kajal or lipstick, you wear and others see it.
